Life A Living Hell

These past few weeks have been a super intense roller coaster ride and up to now, i am still feeling a bit of the stress. The pressure is just too much and it is the highest pressure i have ever received yet. Those sleepless nights, worries, paranoias, caffeine i've been consuming regardless of it being redbulls or coffees from various stores, i am about to collapse. But during those hardships, i realized something. I realized who really care and who don't. Some of those people i am closed with, don't care about my well - being. All they care about is how i can benefited them through this event that has made my life a living hell. They don't care whether i am sick, or if i have chest pain or if my heart is beating irregularly. Realizing that, i am not working hard on this event for them. No, i am working so hard only for someone who has taken the time and energy to guide and teach me going through this event. He is the greatest lecturer i can ever ask for. His criticisms, scoldings and honesty toward my work over the past 2 weeks have made me a better person. He changes my point of my view completely. And yes the criticisms and scoldings almost made me cry or have it made me cry but never once, was i mad at him for doing so. Instead, i was (almost) crying due to the fact that i can't do things based on his expectations and for me not to understand his guidance.

I was and still am in a depressed mode because i cannot be as good as he expects me to be. But really, thanks to him now i learned how to observe the line aesthetics, the details on clothes and i flipped through magazines more often than before. He is right, i need to see more. I need to build up a sense of curiosity towards things. He made me realized there are unlimited amount of knowledge i need to learn and the me right now, is not good enough. I am thankful that he pointed out the fact that i am not good enough, because all along, i have never heard such a comment. What i have been receiving are compliments and advices but not a brutally honest opinion from someone with so much experience. I learned from that moment on that, i can't always seek for compliments or approval from others but instead i need to seek for more criticisms, honest criticisms. To know where you're not good at is the best way to learn and better yourself. 

This past few weeks have been a living hell, undoubtedly. But i still love what i do and i am glad that it has been hell because i can't learn this fast and know this much within this short period of time. I am lucky to know him and to be taught by him. There's no amount of gratitudes can i express to show how grateful i am. So hereby, i want to say Thank You.

A Bunch of Thank Yous

You know what..... These past few weeks have been so insanely busy and frustrating to me. It is the highest amount of stress i ever have to bear yet. I constantly feel i cannot control my emotions and i snapped a lot. I get easily irritated over small things and i have grown to be more sensitive over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, this situation is not ending soon. I have literally tons of things to do right now, in a small amount of time with several problems on the side. I am literally on the edge of exploding right now. There is just... so much frustrations and hopes i am carrying for the sake of not disappointing anyone. I sleep even lesser now and i can even go a day without sleep at all, but of course my mood for the whole day will be so bad you will be afraid to talk to me and i will get really.. really stupid. But during this super busy time, i would like to thank my group mates for being so patient with me. Thank you for being so understanding towards me when i was in a very bad mood which happens quite frequently recently. Forgive me for being such a bitch at times and for making the situation uncomfortable with my mood swings. I just have, so many emotions and burdens to carry and it is just.. too much for me. I am battling with time management, between this particular competition, school work and there are hopes from others i need to satisfy. Don't take my mood swings too seriously because when i snapped, i know that i have officially snapped and i will try to change back my mood to become better. So forgive me, for these past few weeks and thank you so much for the understanding you have given me. I literally don't know what will i do without you guys, especially Venny for sticking with me through the thick and thin. There are no amount of thank yous i can say to show how grateful i am to have you guys as my group and you are the best group mates i can ever ask for. So thank you so much, for the understanding :') 

Secondly, i have to say that i am so very grateful to have a mother that is so supporting towards my dream and for being the only one who believes so much in me. This year is particularly a struggle for me, with some problems occurring between now and then, but you never failed to support me with your encouragements and to try your best to help me when there is not much you can do. Thank you for supporting my dream to go to the states when other thought it is ridiculous. Thank you for the constant encouragements and endless amount of supports. Most importantly, thank you for believing in me when others do not. Thank you for your guidance and teachings all along, as it help me find my dreams. Even when things will not turn out great, or if your supports is not enough to help me go through this rough patch, please don't worry. I will find my way out and i am sure i will. I have been through a lot throughout my lifetime, be it betrayal, disappointments or failures but i survived those and i will survive this one. So thank you mom, for everything you have given me. Your love and supports are all i need. 

#ALSicebucketchallenge

So about the #ALSicebucketchallenge... I'm not sure of whether half of the people i know who are doing this, know exactly what the challenge is all about. But even though i'm being challenged to do it within 24 hours, let's face it that it's not my scene and i do not want to be considered that i did the ice bucket challenge just for the sake of getting the attention and for the "fun" of being dumped with a bucket of ice. It is also an attempt of mine to #savewater knowing this challenge has triggered some cons where people are pointing out that we are wasting water and we're not thinking about how in Africa, water is scarce. So i chose to make a donation of $60 instead. I feel that donating is an action that really helps the ALS community, instead of me dumping myself with a bucket of ice without donating. Yes it might raise an awareness, but i am not that influential anyway. But to everyone who do not know what the #ALSicebucketchallenge is all about ; 

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually lead to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.
— ALS Association

I suck in biology guys, so i can't summarize for you about what the disease is all about. I figured that copy and pasting the meaning will be the easiest way for you to understand about ALS. But now that you know, i hope that you are not doing this just for the sake of getting the attention or to show how "socialized" you are because it is more important for you to understand what the challenge supports and it is about helping the ALS community. 

My friend showed me a video of a guy who is suffering ALS and i can't help but to feel very sorry for him. I understand how painful it is for not being able to even buttoned up the shirt himself and to finally not being able to move his muscles, and the worst state is when he can't even breathe on his own. It is very painful for me to see such situation and i hope the little donation i give can help make a difference. I sincerely hope that they will soon find a cure for the sickness so they don't have to suffer like this. To better understand what i'm saying, watch this : 

Before i saw this video, i thought that the ALS ice bucket challenge was stupid that people were only doing it for the sake of getting the attention to themselves but after watching his video, he made me realized that the ice bucket challenge is important. Even though there are some people who were doing it without knowing what ALS is about, at least there are people who did the ice bucket challenge out of their concern for ALS itself. #thumbsuptoliyanaforshowingmethis

Anyway, if you wanted to help out you can make a donation at ALSA.ORG Let's make a difference together :) 

Raw Beauty

This is the thought that i have been thinking about for the past few months and it is the fact that how society has changed. How society has put a ridiculous standard of beauty towards women and how they are obligated to follow that standard. Ever since plastic surgery became an acceptable act of repairing what is not - good - enough and since make - up became the must haves in a woman's life, society has changed... completely. Now just everyone, can be beautiful. There are no boundaries of who is the most beautiful because you can fix it, literally. 

There are the good and the bad sides of this new culture. The good thing is that, it helps to improve one's confidence and self esteem. It's good that now there's an equality in terms of beauty. For an instance, one doesn't need to feel bad about herself if she wasn't born beautiful and she does not need to live a life feeling low about herself. But the bad thing is, raw beauty is rare. At times like this, i appreciate so much of the raw beauty because that's real.. without any alteration whatsoever. Don't you think so? But hey, i am not judging anyone who loves the idea of plastic surgery or the idea of covering everything with make ups. I respect those people actually. It shows that they put much effort to be or look better and there's nothing wrong about that. There's nothing wrong in attempting to feel better of yourself. it's just my personality that if something goes really popular, i tend to like the opposite of what is popular. Yeah, that's just my attempt to differentiate myself as far from the society. 

Anyway, i am not beautiful myself so don't think that i write this out of the fact that i think i am beautiful that i can write about appreciating raw beauty. In fact, i need some make over too. But i am just too lazy or do not have the time to do that. Pictures below are the pictures i have found on Tumblr which trigger me to write about raw beauty. They are absolutely beautiful images that i must share in my blog and if you are on tumblr too, you can visit mine at The Workroom Insp 

Tear That Away

Can i say something really selfish and not considerate at all, for just this once? Because i feel that i need to pour it all out to finally feel better of myself. Honestly, these past few weeks are the busiest week yet that i have no sleep at all for a day and two, and i slept for less than 5 hours because i have 2 competitions going on at the moment. But that's not the worst part yet, the worst part is when all of your hardwork isn't appreciated and seen by others. Do you know that even though i am still a student, i do everything professionally especially when i need to present it to the "real" people outside of school. I always, do fittings before any presentations, i alter everything to fit my models perfectly and i steamed my clothes, THRICE. And i feel it is just so unappreciative of others to say every contestant of the competition isn't doing any of those things because I DID. I don't need anyone to tell me how to be professional, because i know how to. I have common sense to know those things without you even telling me. Do you know how horrible it is for me, to see people arriving at the presentation day without garment bags that they just stuffed their competition clothes in a bag? Do you know it is even ruder to appear late that people have to wait for you? Do you know that in the real world, those actions are considered as you, not respecting the people you are going to present to? 

I don't want to continue ranting, because i feel like a lot of people won't understand the circumstances without me telling the whole story. You can say i'm a sore loser, but if you were me you'll definitely understand how i feel, period. And i personally wanted to thank my lecturers for all of their supports and concerns. They are the best lecturers i have ever encounter and they are like the second family to me. Thank you for the consolations. I am so embarrassed that i broke down in front of you, which i try not to. I just feel so bad for not being able to re-present my school, not being able to re-present the lecturers who has supported me, not being able to make my models the winning models. If it's just for me alone, i wouldn't care because i can still try and try again. But just for once, i'd like to win this for my school, lecturers and models. 

I will still join competitions, but no more uniform competitions. These people don't understand fashion and when they say they wanted something that is trendier and younger, they don't know what they mean by that. And all of these uniform competitions, are just a way for them to cut the cost of hiring an actual designer to design for them because hiring a real designer will cost them a lot more. Take it from me, but for all competitions i joined, all of the budget i get for creating the uniforms from scratch is just so inconsiderate. You're doing free labour for them and it's ok if you actually won. But if you don't? Free labour. 

Anyway, i'm sorry for the rants. 

5AM

Ok so it is 5.30 in the morning now and it is not because i am up early. I'm not a morning person, that's for sure. Haha! But the truth is.... I've been sewing from 12AM to 5 AM just now. Somehow i feel most energized and motivated during these hours and if you ask me to get up early and do my work in the morning, i ain't going to work. I don't have any motivations to work during 7 AM to at least 11 AM. But yes, i am working on one competition which is the Eu Yan Sang design competition. I should say, i don't see a chance of me winning the competition but i just can't give up halfway even though this competition is sucking away all of my time and energy. I think of giving up as a bad habit, which i never ever should do, whatever the situation is. If i have to re-do something in a night, i will re-do even when it means no sleep. To be completely honest here, i am so busy and frustrated since last week because i have literally so many things to do in so little time due to the competitions i joined and i constantly feel like crying due to the exhaustion i am suffering from. I haven't been sleeping enough, i slept for only  4 to 5 hours a day whereas throughout the day i work from afternoon to early morning. But due to so many work i have to do, i don't even have time to cry it out. I have a lot of moments where i just wanted to cry it out but i don't because i can use that crying time to do work instead. That's how dedicated i am and how stressed i sound now. I think i shouldn't join any competitions anymore, as i have joined numerous competitions this year. I really, really should find a day where i can sleep for 24 hours to repay those sleepless nights. 

Anyway, don't consider my stories as a whine because it's not. I do things with all my heart even though i am exhausted to the extend of having mental breakdowns. I love what i do and the mental breakdowns i have is not related to fashion itself but to other redundant things i shouldn't be thinking about. So don't worry about me or feel sorry for me. I am, by all means, happy and fine. I will continue writing again when i have the time, but now i have to sleeeppppp!! ;)

A Salvation

So finally, i've done something i've always dreamed of doing which is to work 24 hours, like literally 24 hours. In fact, i worked more than 24 hours technically. I literally started to work on a collection from 12 am to 2 am in the morning. But even before i started on the collection at 12 am, i've already spent the whole day running errands, doing schoolworks, etc. So... including the activity i did the whole day, i think i must have worked around 42 hours before i get to sleep which is only 4 hours. A lot of people might thought i am crazy or even feel sorry for me seeing how hard my life is. But rest assured that, i don't feel sorry for my life even to the slightest. I love what i do so much that i don't mind not getting any sleep at all. Yes it is hard, i know it is and yes it is so very exhausting but i did it with all my heart. I never, even for a second, complain about how many things i need to do in so little time or complain about how tired i am. What i feel is only anxiety of whether i can get things done on time and i'm glad i did. This might sounds insane, but this is how i pictured my future life would be. Fashion keeps me alive, it literally is the only reason for me to live. It is my salvation, believe it or not. But i guess, if you love what you do you wouldn't feel burdened by the things you need to do. Instead, you'll feel very grateful and happy for the things you're doing.

All along, i feel so very grateful of my life. I am so grateful that i went through a bitter younger life. I am grateful that society treated me badly, grateful that i am not born in a filthy rich family and I am so grateful to have gone through the worst of what society has to offer because all of that, makes who i am today. The best thing is to know what i wanted to do in life and so grateful to have limitless amount of motivations to keep me going. I thank God for his guidance. 

Anyway, here's some pictures of what i wear today!

Top : Pull and Bear
Necklace : ASOS
Bracelet : Style Nanda
Denim Shorts : Nastygal
Bag : Topshop

Sail, Sail Away.

For these past few days, I have been thinking to myself of whether i am an uptight and boring person. I don't have much to talk about in terms of adventures and exciting stories but what i constantly talk about is my fear of the future and of whether i can be who i wanted to be. In fact, because i am worried about the future, i can't loosen up and do the #yolo stuffs like others do. I can't. It's not just about i do not let myself do, but it's also because it's in my blood. I am a person who loves to stay indoor and get comfortable. I love silence, i hate crowded and loud places. I don't drink simply because i couldn't stand the taste of alcohol and i don't smoke because i don't want to have the addiction, mind you, i don't want to have a yellow teeth. I keep thinking that perhaps i am the ultimate nerd. I don't even do scary stuffs like bungee jumping or roller coaster due to my fear of heights. I am scared of a lot of things and therefore, i don't live an exciting life as others do and i'm ok with it. I am so happy being in this safe zone. I don't need an exciting and adventurous life, as long as i can get what i wanted in life. That alone, is enough. I have this one chance to live and i want to spend it wisely, in my own way, my own rules. As for those judgmental society, you can say whatever you want. I do not need someone to tell me how to live or to tell me what life is about. The meanings of life differ from one another, and mine is simply..... mine. 

Blue Stripes Cropped Blouse : ZARA ;  Midi Mesh Skirt : Editor's Market ; Two-way Shoulder Bag : Topshop ; Heeled Sandals : Asos

Blue Stripes Cropped Blouse : ZARA ; 
Midi Mesh Skirt : Editor's Market ;
Two-way Shoulder Bag : Topshop ;
Heeled Sandals : Asos

Soon

I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.
— Nicholas Sparks

It must be my quote of the week, as it pretty much sums up this week's experiences of mine and this week must be the toughest week yet. I am so hurt, up until now that an idea i thought of is deemed as a joke. It might sound ridiculous to others, but i always thought of something from a business point of view of whether it could or couldn't make money. And just FYI, sometimes the most ridiculous idea is the idea that makes the most money. When others ask for your opinion, you don't just burst out saying it's a joke no matter how a straight - forward person you are. What will you feel if the idea you've been thinking about is considered as a joke to others? I think it's just rude and offensive. But anyway, i know for a fact that i may not be as smart or as creative as others, but i am clear of what i wanted to do and i am clear of to who i wanted to be and i think, to clearly know my aims and dreams are enough. 

Anyway, i am feeling very vulnerable for these past few days and i don't know what is going on. 

Past and Present

I have been receiving comments from my friends and family about how i've changed so drastically in a short amount of time, of how i view certain things and how tough and strong - headed i am now compared to years ago. But the thing is, i am not proud of who i was back then. All that i ever talked about is love and relationships and i did tons of stupid things for others so naturally, i have a lot of things to say everyday about those sort of things and it's fun for others to hear because i said those things in a funny way. I was a person who laughed my ass off everyday, joking around and making fun of others but somewhere around 2013, i lost myself completely. I didn't laugh as much, i take things more seriously and i'm no longer interested in love or relationships. I'm sorry but i'm so very tired of those stuffs. I made a complete idiot out of myself and there was nothing to be proud of.

It's true when my friend pointed out that i'm so scared to fall in love to the extend that i build a huge wall to prevent myself from falling again. I have my own defense system, but so far i'm liking that system. In fact, i'm loving my defense mode. It makes me the person i've always wanted to be, the empowered and independent kind of woman. And my friend also pointed out that i can't let go of things that have happened in the past, regardless of what it is and i hate to say this, but yes it's true that i can't let go of certain things. I can forgive people quite easily because i tend to forget about it after a while, but i will not forget how they made me feel. I will never forget what they did, depending on the level of pain they give me. Up until now, i hate the people at my hometown so much that i generalized everyone into one category which is wrong of me. I shouldn't be stereotyping people just because i befriended the wrong ones back then, but the pain i received was big enough to blinded me over who's good and who's not. Perhaps everything will be better if i am willing to let go of those pains but it's still a struggle. Those pains are my motivations. They bring me back up when i was feeling down and up until now, i have been keeping and pressing those pains down under to the point that i barely know it exists. 

Regardless of whether i am falling into the dark path or into the bright path, i love where i'm standing right now and i hope my friends are willing to accept the fact that i've changed and be ok with it. 

The Inside and Out

When i went back to Indonesia a few days ago, which i was there for more than 10 days (surprisingly enough, knowing i don't like my hometown that much but because i miss my parents so much i decided to extend my stay) i received one or two comment from my neighbors about my appearances. They told my mom that i am a lot different now and the way i style myself might look snobbish to others. Fortunately, my mom herself is thrilled to see that i can dressed up well so she receives my changes positively. But to how others look at me, i can't be bothered much. Looking back, i don't have any personal style where all i wore everyday was a t-shirt and a pair of jeans which were not fancy at all. And since i am very much involved in the fashion industry, i decided that whenever i go out regardless of where i am going, i will always dress up well even though i am just going out to print some stuffs. 

I personally think that what i wear, defines who i am and fashion is life - changing in a way, don't you think? I like to look masculine at times by wearing oversized shirts or biker boots because they make me feel empowered and i gain more confidence that way. Fashion is something that you wear everyday and believe it or not, it plays a pivotal role in our life because we live our life in it. But that's just me, i don't know how others see fashion but i personally see a person from the way he/she dresses up. The way they style themselves speak a lot of character. Anyway, back to my neighbors comment about my so called "snobbish" style, i don't think that's true. Just because i dress up well, doesn't mean i am snobbish. It just means that i love myself more now than ever and to love yourself is never, a bad thing. 

Oversized Shirt : Topshop
Necklace and Duffle Bag : Nasty Gal
Bracelet : Style Nanda
Ankle Boots : Alexander Wang

Anyway, this is the first post i wrote where i attached my daily style. I am not as fashionable as other fashion blogger per se, but for me this level of dressing up is good enough as long as i feel comfortable with what i am wearing and i don't really follow a lot of trends by the way because some trends doesn't speak to me or sometimes it's because i don't look good in it. 


Gratitudes

Hi there! 

I've just updated the "WORK" section on my blog. I should've updated my portfolio weeks ago, but I keep procrastinating until this early morning. Well, i actually have no thoughts to share with you but i'd like to share some good news. I got 2nd Place for Student Womenswear Designer Award, a competition held in conjunction with Miami Fashion Week, 2014. And for this win, i have to say that i am very thankful for my lecturer's advice and he's Thomas Wee. He gave some advices in terms of the designs and he made me realized that i should pay more attention to the minor fashion details and how to make things look cleaner. Another person i'd like to thank is Gary Goh because his advices also made me realized that i have some problems with my fabrications and i'd like to thank Lily Wee to help me sew the dress for a short amount of time. Lastly, i'd like to thank my school for being so supportive. They gave me the encouragement and help i needed and i am very grateful to be NAFA's fashion student. 

You can see more of the designs and details of the dress through the "WORK" section. Anyway, I really have nothing to say right now. Normally when i have something to say, i can compose a long blogpost that you'd get tired of reading and i love composing a blogpost. I like to write and to compose those words, of how to make them seem poetic and stuffs. If only i can write an article? But because i don't go to study journalism, i don't really know what's the do's and don'ts and how to trigger the interest of the readers. 

I think i should shut up now and go to sleep. I keep thinking of what to write next and i found nothing. Haha! I'll come back again when i have something in my mind. 

All That It Is

There are several things i hate most in life, which are : 
1.  Inconsideration
2. Last Minute Work
3. Irresponsibility
4. No Action, Talk Only
5. To be figured out later... 

You've known how I hate Inconsiderate people, but what you don't know yet is I hate people who can only talk but has never done anything to fight for what he / she said. I was having this conversation at Ask.FM  about a person who ask what to do if she wanted to pursue Fashion Design. Firstly, I am not writing this to humiliate / to be sarcastic to her but i really think everyone in the same situation should know and should read what i am about to say. 
I have been so irritated these days to hear people saying they love fashion, they wanted to do fashion, and wanted to study it but they did nothing to fight for what they wanted. First of all, i think y'all should differentiate what in the word of FASHION do you love that makes you wanted to pursue it? Because you love drawing? Because you're interested with the glitz and glamour life of Fashion? Because you think it's cool? Or simply because you love to shop and style yourself beautifully?

Let me tell you something, if your reason to study fashion lies on one of those options i just typed, you won't be in Fashion for long. Even if you are, you can't go far enough. Fashion is a lot more than what you think. It is a very competitive business and there are a lot of sleepless nights involved. If you've got no dedication, you won't go far believe me. Fashion isn't just about designing. Designing has such little part on it. It's more about research, technical skills, marketing skills, merchandising, PRs, etc. You think designing beautiful clothes are enough? You need to research about your target market, what they like and how to win them over other competitors. Let me ask you a question i've always been thrown at, "What makes people want to buy your clothes if they can buy it at Zara, Topshop or H&M?" Tell me, how do you win over those fashion giants. I've heard and read a lot of stories about the ups and downs of designers.  A lot of you don't know their work schedule. For some designers, there's no such thing such as weekends or TGIF. They work from 10 am to 10pm or 12 am everyday except Monday. Some of them even work everyday and especially when Fashion Show is near, there's no sleep at ALL. What you see on the runway is their months of hard-work. So tell me, will you have enough dedication to bear all of those sufferings? That is what you have to face if you wanted to be a designer, but if you wanted to simply be a seamstress or to open a made to measure business, it's another matter to talk about. I'm talking about a real fashion designer profession. 

Secondly, if you say you still love Fashion and complain about how expensive it is but you don't do shit about it, i can tell straightaway that you're not serious about Fashion. Fashion is expensive i know. The school fee is a cutthroat, but if you love it you have to find a way to get there. Don't tell me the "You're lucky that you're rich" shit because i'm not. Do you think that me studying in Singapore is easy? I fought with my father a lot of times and guess what, i have to get a full scholarship for my 3rd year here or i can't continue to study my degree. But do i complain about how expensive my degree is? NO. The degree at a certain school that i'm going for, is much more expensive than every other school in the whole world but i never complain about how expensive it is. Instead, i find a way of how to get there. I can wait for several years, working and saving up some money for me to be able to go there. I don't just sit around and thinking about how unlucky i am. I've planned out every single step i'm going to take and i never joke about school. I take school very seriously and i keep my grades high, because that's part of the plan. I sleep lesser and lesser each semester but i didn't complain. I work my ass off without thinking how lucky others are and how i wish my family was rich enough. I work my ass off because i love Fashion and i'd do anything to be who i wanted to be. 
Let's say worst come to worst. even when you really can't afford it you can learn it by yourself through Youtube or other websites. That's why Internet is there, USE IT. You can also apply for scholarships. 

A lot of younger people take fashion as a joke and sorry, i have no respect for people like so. For me fashion is serious stuff. It's something that you wear everyday, it makes you happy wearing it and it can bring confidence in you. It's life changing in a way. A lot of people take fashion for granted and most of them don't know how painful is the life of a designer.

Personally i think, younger people nowadays can't live a hard life. They don't fight for what they wanted and they just sit around, accepting their destiny whatever it is. They all should know that Life's a bitch, seriously. Your younger days might be fun and easy, but that's not for long. As you grow older you'll start to realize that Life is about survival and the sooner you realize that, the better. 

This Act Called Life

Do you know that i'm the kind of person who thinks of random things about life most of the time? I like to observe the life of other people's. Whenever i'm on the train or on the bus, i like to look around and wonder how others' life is going, what problems they are facing and what happiness they are celebrating. Wondering so made me realize that this world isn't just about me. I constantly feel that i am the main actress in this act called life. But no, i'm actually not. I am just a small contributor to life, of how it works and plays. Knowing so, made me feel that i shouldn't be selfish. This world doesn't rotate around me and i should appreciate every little blessings and problems i have in life. I should give more to the less fortunate and i should care more about this earth we're living in. 

There's this one moment in my life, where i really did what other's encouraged us to do. Normally i'm not the kind of person who follow encouragements like saving the earth, or other social / environment - related encouragements. But i did follow what Ellen Degeneres said. She keep saying "Be kind to one another" on her show and i actually followed. I should say, i am truly inspired by her life, her values and her doings. Two days ago, there's an old lady grabbing my hand suddenly asking me to buy a pen from her but i ignored and walked away. My first thought was, that might be a scam. But there's this sudden reminder "Be kind to one another' that keeps shouting in my head as i walked away. I felt really bad and i went back and donate some money to her. Whether it was a scam or not, at least I'm doing what was right. 

Anyway, my point of telling this story is to tell others to be kind to one another. A small action of yours can make others day happier. In fact, i am also inspired by this article i read. It's about making other's life brighter. A small action will make their day, like helping them to stop the bus when they're running for it, lending an umbrella to strangers, etc. Too bad i don't have the link to that, but really, if we can make their day with such small actions, why not? It'll make us feel better about ourselves too. 

Ok, so moving on to another thing i'd like to talk about (yes i like to talk about a lot of things at once). I should say that this long holiday is hell to me. I have been battling with my insecurities, my self - esteem, my confidence, etc. Basically i don't have much faith in myself and yes, others might wonder why i don't have faith in myself when i have several achievements in hand. What they don't know is i have a huge insecurities inside. That's why i keep joining competitions, as it is the only way to prove to myself that i am enough, or i have what it takes to be in the fashion industry. But the problem now is that, no matter how many achievements i have, i constantly feel i'm not enough. I need constant reminder that i am good enough, so i need to join competitions and to actually get selected to make me feel so. But that happiness of getting selected only lasted for a while. When bad times hit, I'll go back to square one again and I'll be battling with my insecurities again. 

I love the fashion industry, to the extend that i don't mind being alone. Believe me, if you knew me for a long time you will never thought that i'll change this drastically. I was the type of girl who thinks love is everything and i spent my life finding the right guy. I spent my days talking about love and guys. But now? I don't even care about guys and love. I talk about what life's about, my dreams, my ambitions, etc.
I am not in love with fashion because of its glitz and glamour but i'm purely in love with the ideas of creating something for the women i wanted to dress. I love fashion so much that i've dedicated my life to this alone. I wanted to contribute, to be a part of something big. And that scares me. That brings out all the insecurities because i constantly doubt myself that i'm able to become the person i wanted to be. I have a very big dreams that even my father and my friends thought i'm crazy and they ask me to be more realistic. They can say what they want, but i keep telling myself that life's short and i wanted to die doing what i love, no regrets. 

Speaking of, i was having a hard time recently besides having problem with my own self. My mother is the biggest supporter of mine, and seeing how she wanted to help fund my studies later in the US, saddened me. She's really the greatest woman i know and to encourage, support and help me even when she can't do much at this point (since my father is the breadwinner of the household) is something i'll appreciate and remember forever. She believed in me so much and even tho i don't believe in myself as much, her supports make me feel that i have to be what i aspire to be. That's why, i am saving up to fund my own studies later. No matter how long it takes and how rough the journey is ahead, i will fight for those who believe in me. And thanks to Prabal Gurung's wise words, it helps me to get through this rough phase. 

"My advice is to not be in a rush to start your own stuff because Im a firm believer in paying your dues. Everyone has their own path to success and the sincere advice I want to tell them is just to create their own path and make sure they dont stop learning."
Read more: http://www.stylecaster.com/jenna-lyons-prabal-gurung-dole-out-advice-recent-grads/#ixzz32kiuhawy

Even though there's a very small chance he'll read this, i have to say that i thank him so much for being such an inspiration. He gives me hope during a hard time like this. I wish i'll have the chance to work for him later in the future, the day i first step my foot at NYC. 

 

Best Regards,
Silvia

Words, and what it can do

I should say, that it is no secret that i don't have talent in me. Hell, i'm not even creative. I notice it early in my life and all along, i have been doing a lot of things to prove it wrong. But as it turns out, once you have no talent there's nothing i can do to change it. Perhaps i can cultivate it, but i am not too sure about it either. I was so sad knowing i don't have the talent, when i am very passionate about fashion and all of the works behind the scenes. But as a consolation, i know for a fact that i am more hardworking than everyone i know. I know that at a certain point in my life, hard work is not going to be enough. But what can i do? Even though i don't have any talent, i have to keep on going because this is the only reason i live. There is no giving up nor turning back, because i can't imagine my life without the fashion industry. Even if i turned out to be unsuccessful, i still wanted to create outfits for those strong, independent women. I wanted to change the perception of woman as a weak being. I wanted to create apparels that can boost their self esteem and for them to feel like they can conquer the world. And for them, i will fight.

I know that the roads ahead will be very tough and i will face a lot of struggles along the way, but i love what i do and i will do whatever i can to achieve it. Even when it means less sleep and to double or triple my hardwork. Sorry mom, i am too ambitious. This might leads to me being so in distressed and i might lose my sanity, but without this, i can die too. One way or another, i only have one destination and i live to pursue this. 

Sometimes i wonder why do i make my life harder. I can just live a normal life, settle down and move on with life. But.. i choose to go far beyond and to see how far can i go. 
Why can't i be one of those vain girls who only worries about their looks, their hair and their love life? Why can't i live an easier life? The answer to that is, i don't want to be just another pretty girl. There's a lot of beautiful, young girls out there and i just don't want to be one of them because i know for a fact that beauty fades, but intelligence stays.

Anyway, on a special note i'd like to thank my mom for being one of my biggest supporters. Thank you for believing in me all along and thank you, that you never for once, judged me for my views. Thank you for being there and no matter how ridiculous and high my dream is, you're always there to support me.  And to my dad, i know it is hard for you to accept the fact that i am way too ambitious and i can't do things you expect me to do. I am a different person, from a year ago to now. The old me died, dad. She died long ago, and the now me is this. The insanely ambitious, work - addict young woman. I do not ask for money, for you to support my studies but at least, i ask for your motivation. All along, i am very much self - motivated. But do you know that no matter how self - motivated i am, there are times when i am so very vulnerable with words that could put me down and tore me apart? Others may say that i am not talented, or i am just in luck, but i need my parents to have faith in me. 

Others even judged me, of how can i be the top 3 finalist of an international competition. They said it's just my luck, and how can my designs with no innovations, no creativity be selected. That words hurt. There are a lot of people out there who are trying to put me down, but no matter how hurtful those words are, i have no other choice but to keep going. I dedicated my life to this and if i don't have any talent, so be it. I have to finish what i started, and i want to die doing what i love. 

Deep into Life

I think i'm going to write something quite offensive to certain people, especially those who are from my hometown. I mean, first of all i am saying this based on my own judgement, you either take it or leave it and don't feel offended because i respect your views and please do respect mine. 

So the thing is, i was having this long talk about what i am going to do with my life, my plans, my dreams, etc with my longtime best friend. I was talking about what i am going to do with my present and future life and nothing i say includes the need of a man in my life. Basically i just said to them that i don't need a guy and i don't intend to have one, at least for now because for me, relationship is such a pain. I don't have time for all those bullshits, those dramas, and cheesy clingy stuffs. I am only ready for all those stuffs when i have achieved what i wanted in life. And when i say i am ready, i don't mean that i would want to be a housewife. Hell no. I am not that kind of woman who spends her day at home watching tv, taking care of kids. I want to have my own career and spends my day at office. 

But none of them gets it. I appeared to be too ambitious and men will definitely feel intimidated and feel that i am ignorant. Well, if you feel intimidated, be a better man. If you feel intimidated, that means that i am more competent than you are, and whose fault is that? Don't blame me for my success. Also, i pretty much know that when i say these things out loud i will pretty much scare all guys away from me and i hope they do. I think everyone should know this, that i am not a normal Medanese (my hometown) girl and that's why i can't get along with people from my hometown. 

When all of the girls in my hometown went to saloons for new hairstyles, i cut my own hair. 

Hair treatment? Don't need it.

Spa? Don't like it. 

Skin treatment? Don't bore me with it.

Indulging life with your boyfriend's card? Definitely don't need it. 

Have your boyfriend to carry your handbag? I think that's ridiculous. You carry your own bag woman! 

When everyone's busy with their love life, i am here busy with my life of what can i do to get to where i wanted to be. I am not the kind of person, who waits around for a guy to get my happily ever after. I think happily ever after is a huge bullshit. Be realistic, look around and see how many broken marriages and relationships are there. 

I strongly support woman empowerment and independence, and i am an individualist. I can live without you or maybe even better. I don't need anyone to fill my emptiness. You know what fills my emptiness? My grades, my works, my achievements. Boyfriend may not last, but my achievements will.

I believe that after saying a bunch of brutally honest stuff coming from me, most of you wouldn't get it. But those people who have ambitions and dreams, would. To those who judge my view, let me ask you, what are your aims in life? What is your dream? What do you want in life? 

Most or all of you will definitely say you want to have a good job, a good family, etc. Well, it is easy to state down what you want isn't it? But if i were to ask you, what sufferings do you want in life? Most or everyone of you will say who wants suffering? You definitely don't want it. But guess what? The moment you said you don't want suffering,  is the moment when i see that you don't really want those things. You only said you want it because that is how life works ; You study, you graduate, you find a job, get married, and have a family. That's not a want, it's an expectation. If you ask me, i clearly know what i wanted in life and what sufferings i want, but i don't share the same expectations as you do. 

Judge whatever you want, but i am proud to be me. I am very proud of where i am standing now and my present self is the person the past me can look up to. And my last question to you, will the younger you look up to the present you? 

I know it's a deep question, but i like to talk about deep things rather than talking about those stupid women's strategy and rules on how to get guys. 

Anyway, i am saying all of these with no intention to offend. I love my hometown friends and i respect their point of view about life. But just because mine's different, it doesn't means that mine's wrong and yours are right. 

The Current

I have not been writing for a long time am i? Actually my school does not give too much work this semester but i am just busy finding things to do, like joining competitions, researching on more stuffs and guess what? I have found my 2014 new year resolution! Ever since 2014 hits, i have not been able to figure out what to do this year but now i found so much meaningful things to do and here is my list : 

1. I want to learn new stuff each and everyday, whether it is a general knowledge, technical skills, or fun facts. I would like to know them all! 

Ok so i just have one resolution, because i don't want to have too much resolutions that are not that meaningful. Just this one resolution is worthy enough for me. I am so excited to wake up everyday and learn new things! Anyway lately i have been noticing what do people see in me, and i am not surprised at all for what they say next. I am a work maniac, like literally. I guess that is true that i would rather spend 24/7 doing work rather than wasting it on unnecessary stuffs. But you know what, if you really love something, you commit. And that is what i do. I dedicate myself wholly to the fashion industry and it makes me happy, really. The busier i am, the happier i will be. I like the exhaustions, tensions, sleepless nights and depressions i face everyday because all of those hard works, push me to become a better person and i'd like to be one.

Moreover, I always live upon the thought of we only live once and we should do the things we love now, or never and that is what i have been doing. I believe life is about chasing dreams, and living it. That's why, whenever i saw people who are living their dreams right now, no matter what it is i feel so envious. I'd like to live my dreams too and i really hope i can. 

Once In A While

I bet only some of you guys have ever saw me sketch? I haven't really sketch since i came to Singapore. Usually i just draw and colour it with computer. I never do shading too, and believe me, i suck at it. But i was helping out at my school's open house and i get really bored at times, so i managed to sketch a runway model i saw on an old magazine. 

Gaspard Yurkievich, 2009

Does he looks like a pretty boy? One of my lecturer thought it's a woman and i'm like, NOOOO! It is a guy! 
But anyway, it has been a while since i really sketch and i'm actually quite happy to see the result. It's not that bad. Maybe some other times, i will sketch something like this more. Because usually i just do rough sketches, since i don't have much time to slack. Anyway, what do you think? :)

What Stays And What Goes Away

For these past few days, i have been feeling down and discouraged. It started when school starts and i just don't know why i have no confidence in myself. Maybe it is me, worrying too much about what awaits me on 2014 or maybe i just have a lot of second thoughts. Those thought kills, but fortunately, as my pattern drafting class started and we get to design a menswear shirt out of paper and to experiment on different silhouette and ideas, all of those thoughts flew away immediately and i start to feel like myself again. This is why i love school a lot and i love spending my time doing sewing, drafting, writing reports, researching, etc. Because they took my mind off everything and they literally make me happy. Anyway, i posted this work in progress picture on instagram. 

I was just experimenting on different possibilities and ideas in creating a menswear shirt, since this semester we are doing a menswear collection. My idea of this paper shirt experiment is i wanted to create a modern, minimal, and futuristic looking garment and to my surprise, this design can actually fit on a woman and it can also fit on a man's body if the shirt is to have a short/long sleeve. Correct? It might look more womanly to you because i was using a woman's mannequin. 

I have the collar to be put in reverse, where the opening of the collar is to be put on the back and the collar itself has two layers, of a big and a small layer. I think it will look really nice with great tailoring and made with medium weight fabrications. 

Anyway! This is another design of the shirt. It is actually the wrong side of the first experiment. I just realized when i was packing my stuffs that the wrong side actually looks interesting! So i decided to document it too!